Gin x Le Tigre sketch (long story) and slow, slow coloring work in progress
( Rock and roll liutenant )

What spectacular news!  The art director at my office likes me so much that she said, "Thanks for coming in today, I have a wonderful job for you today!"

And now, I've got one.  Creating charts. In InDesign. From scratch. Because the last assholes used some unmaneagable Quark file before.  Needless to say, I have to work extra hard to stay entertained so I don't lose my mind and wire the entire fucking building with explosives.  I'm sure that what I am about to say will shock and alarm you, so I hope you're sitting down:  THIS PART OF DESIGN IS FUCKING BORING!  I know.  I was just as dumbfounded as you are.  Feel free to take a minute to catch your breath.

Almost as maddening as the isolation and the dim lighting and below zero temperature of my office is the goddamn radio.  WBOS is absolutely going to push me over the edge some day.  Maybe music did make those Columbine kids kill.  God knows every time I hear "What's Goin' On" by Four Non Blondes, I'm overwhelmed by a desire to run outside and decapitate a child.  It's like I'm in hell.  And hell is the Lilith Fare.  And don't even get me started on Guster and company.  Watch your ass, Allston bike couriers.

Since I'm sure I'm not the only one suffering from severe office boredom, I've compiled a list of my favorite things to do when the work day seems like it just won't fucking end.  Hope it helps.

[x] Getting to Know Your Neighbors pt. I

I have the creepiest fascination with the Public Sex Offender Registry.  I've done a search on nsopr.gov for just about everyone I know: Guys I've dated in the past, guys I would consider dating in the future, guys I hate, guys I like, guys I'm indifferent to, teachers, friends, co-workers, people I know, people I don't.... it just keeps going.  Sometimes I'll just pick a city and perize the resident kiddie rapers (and regular rapers) to see what they look like, to see who I would have pegged as a diddler right away, and who would have surprised me.  ENDLESS ENTERTAINMENT!

[x] Changing Music History (In My Head)

I like to imagine what it would be like if The Fray, Augustana, Guster, John Mayer, Ryan Adams, Bryan Adams, Paolo Nutini, Snow Patrol, Vega4, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, and the John Butler Trio formed a super group, calling themselves The Pussies.  I think it's a brilliant idea.  They'd cram all their tight-pants-wearing, grown-men-having-their-periods, whiny-boy break up songs on to one album.  Then they would only play 2 or three songs on the radio, and that would make room for music that sucks less.  At least that's what I like to think.  Some people may call that "delusional".  So be it.

[x] Playing Doctor

There is an urge in the deepest recesses of my soul that is completely consuming and it demands that any time I experience any kind of physical pain, I go on WebMD and find out what it is.  What could be more fun in the slow, dull afternoon hours at the office than going online and diagnosing yourself with something?  So far, I've discovered that I have pink eye, spinal meningitis, Temporomandibular Joint Syndrome (TMJ), epilepsy, gout, post traumatic stress disorder, psoriatic arthritis, fibromyalgia, folliculitis, type 2 diabedes, and a sunburn.

[x] Getting to Know Your Neighbors pt. II

When there are no other human beings around, you go a little bit mental.  I had gone pretty ape shit one day from being alone in the back all day, with this incessant buzz around The room.  Upon further investigation, I discovered a massive fly, zipping through my office like he owned the place.  I started off swatting at him, trying to coax him back out to nature.  I failed miserably.  So I started thinking, maybe he and I can co exist.  Then, after simply accepting the buzzing, I took it up a notch and decided, maybe we can be friends!  It was the start of something beautiful.  Naturally, I named him McFly. 

[x] Finding Inspiration

When all else fails, and Virginia Tech time has finally arrived, and you just can't take it anymore, be sure to consult CrimeLibrary.com first, so you know how to get away with it.  Crime Library is a mountainous collection of essays on every murder ever comitted since the dawn of man.  It's amazing.  There's serial killers, sexual predators, the mob, explosives freaks, a section on forensics and criminal psychology, celebrity slayings... it's the best thing ever.  Hands down.

Hope this keeps the work day managable, and keeps your co-workers breathing for another 24 hours.  If anyone has any suggestions for making the job less painful, feel free to send them to me.